dear blog, is there such things as forever ? well, to me forever doesnt exist because i just cant take care of her. i had to hurt her. i had to say stupid things to her. i had to do all those things to make her feel hurt real bad. i dont know whats wrong with me.. i dont even know who i am nowadays.. and why i acted like one fucker who dont even know to do a simple thing which making your gf happy or smile. i even looked up on youtube to find all those things... because im desperate at that time to make her happy again, smile again, laugh again. damn.. im so fucked up. well, if you want to know what happened, i just broke up. because of ME. ME ME ME ME ME and ME. i just wish i could have her back... i really love her... i really do. i cant stop thinking about her everyday... i just cant. i feel stupid. thats why, doing all those stupid stuff to hurt myself could somehow understand the pain that she's going through when i hurt her feelings.. i guess i'll need more of that sucker punch from zombie. next time, it'll be on the head. i didnt think that something like this would happen.. it sucks i tell ya. if anyone out there ever felt of losing someone you cared, loved, treasured the most, someone who makes you happy by just looking at her, watch her smile, hear her voice, her laugh, hear her whispered through your ears saying 'i love you baby', someone who you wish would never stop hugging you, someone who have been with you through all kinds of ups and downs for 17 months and still never let go of you. the thought of losing her never occured to me once, but it happen on this very day. it has to happen. i've never felt these before because, i only have 1 ex. which is fareha. i've never had a gf before and thats why i just cant bear to lose her... i guess what she said was right. maybe we're never meant to be together. at first when i heard that, i hate that sentence. i dont believe in fate. we, human beings have choice. and the choices we make somehow determine our future i think ? well, she made the choice of breaking up with me. and somehow to my stupidity, i agreed with that. i know i've said i want to last long with her and never leaves her but, i just cant bear to make her cry again.. but, i just want her to be happy. thats all im asking. if she's happy without me then i'll just have to deal with that. it sucks really. losing a person... whom you loved the most in the world. and that being with her is all that you can ask for. she's just what need. but i guess that wont happen again... because this time, she's dead serious about it. if i have one wish, i just wish to see her smile again. just a smile. because a smile from her really meant alot to me... hopefully one day she'll return me ? maybe if i'll wait for her then hopefully she'll come back to me. yes. i'll just wait for her then. i just have to think positive. wait, how am i suppose to think positive when i cant think straight ? i cant sleep right now... well, hopefully she's happy.